Finding Your Identity Beyond Your Children: Lessons from Abraham’s Test
In the journey of parenthood, it’s easy to place our identity in our children’s successes and failures. We beam with pride when they excel and feel like failures when they struggle. But this pattern reveals a deeper spiritual issue that even Abraham faced thousands of years ago.
Why Do We Find Our Identity in Our Children?
It’s natural to see ourselves in our children. They are, in many ways, extensions of ourselves. We recognize our strengths and weaknesses in them, and our culture reinforces this by creating what feels like a performance scoreboard hanging over parents’ heads:
- How’s their GPA?
- What’s their batting average?
- Do they get in trouble?
- What about their faith?
This scorekeeping doesn’t end when they graduate. The feeling lingers, and we cling to it. But here’s the truth: your children are not your identity. Who you are is not based on their performance, aptitude, failures, or successes.
Abraham’s Test: A Lesson in Surrender
Abraham’s story provides a powerful lesson about this struggle. Called by God at 75 to become the father of a great nation, Abraham waited until he was 100 years old before his promised son Isaac was born. After years of waiting, Isaac became everything to Abraham—the fulfillment of God’s promise.
Then came the ultimate test. God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on an altar. Without hesitation, Abraham prepared to obey, binding his son and raising the knife. At the last moment, God stopped him, saying:
“Do not lay a hand on the boy. Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son.”
This test wasn’t about child sacrifice, it was about surrender. It was about idolatry. The altar wasn’t the place Isaac would die; it was the place where idolatry would die.
The Difference Between Binding to Control and Binding to Release
Abraham bound Isaac not to control him but to let him go. This is the opposite of our natural parenting instinct. We want to bind our children close, to maintain control. But Abraham realized something profound: Isaac was safer in God’s arms than in his own.
The altar wasn’t a place of loss. It was the place where Abraham finally let God hold what he couldn’t.
Where’s the Line Between Pride and Pride?
There’s an important distinction between being proud of your children and being prideful because of them:
- Being proud of them says: “I delight in you. I love seeing you grow up. I love the person you’re becoming.”
- Being prideful because of them says: “I need you to succeed for me to be okay.”
The second attitude places a weight on our children they were never meant to carry.
God modeled healthy pride when He spoke over Jesus at His baptism: “This is my Son, whom I love. With Him I am well pleased.” This was before Jesus performed miracles or preached sermons. God simply delighted in His Son.
You Are Not Defined by Your Child’s Journey
Two truths every parent needs to embrace:
- You are not a failure because your child struggles.
- You are not a hero because they succeed.
Parenting Is Stewardship, Not Ownership
We have approximately 936 weeks with our children under our roof. Each week is precious, but the goal isn’t to cling to them forever. The goal is to raise them to know, love, and follow Jesus on their own.
Parenting isn’t ownership—it’s stewardship. We’re blessed with children to help them grow into independent followers of Christ.
How Do We Remove This Idol?
The Apostle Paul gives us guidance:
“Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God.” (Colossians 3:1-3)
When we realize our identity is in Christ, it frees us as parents. We no longer need to cling to our children for our identity. Instead, we can help them discover their own identity in Christ.
Life Application
What are you holding too tightly? Your child’s success? Their faith? Their marriage? Their behavior? Their performance?
God isn’t asking you to lay these down to lose your children, but to entrust them. Not to withdraw love, but to surrender control. Not to stop caring, but to stop clinging.
The altar isn’t a place of loss—it’s a place where we finally let God hold what we cannot.
Ask yourself these questions this week:
- In what ways am I finding my identity in my children’s performance or choices?
- What would it look like to surrender control while still loving and guiding my children?
- How can I model for my children that their identity comes from Christ, not from their achievements?
- What practical step can I take this week to loosen my grip and trust God with my children’s future?
Remember, surrendering your children to God doesn’t mean you love them less—it means you trust God more. And in that trust, you’ll find the freedom to be the parent they truly need.